Aug. 13, 2020

A Guide to Opening a New Restaurant

by Jamie Bissonnette

So, you are going to need all the basics that a normal restaurant would need to open.  Staff, food, beverage, menus, tables, refrigerators, HVAC systems, alarm systems, music, licensing for various things - You know what they are.  

You have seen Top Chef, and Chopped. Bradley Cooper in Burnt gave you ideas.  The Hundred- Foot Journey reinforced your passion; you know how to set up a walk in from Ratatouille, and you have seen every single Chef’s Table.  

However, do you have the right offset spatula in 5 sizes? A combi oven? A paco jet? Where is your sous vide equipment?   What about your precision tweezers, (but not tongs.  Those are for Bobby Flay, who you do not respect). You’ve checked all the boxes, but have you prepared for a pandemic? Didn’t think so

An Incomplete List of Items a First Time Restaurateur Might Miss During a Pandemic. 

Tongs - These are important.  But the days of them being spun, clicked, tapped, banged, spun, hung, swung and flipped is over.  Now, we need to use them to touch things instead of our fingers.  I know you read the article in the NYTimes where Thomas Keller said Per Se will not wear gloves --  He stood up to the Department of Health, but not the CDC. Tongs have newfound importance.

Tweezers - They can’t be kept in the dirty apron anymore. They can’t be used to clean a cook’s fingernails, and they should not be put into one’s mouth. They need to be sterile. You must plate like a surgeon, so you will need an autoclave to properly disinfect and sanitize them. Add autoclave to the list.

Umbrella bases - In the age of Amazon, Wayfair, and one day shipping you think you can wait to order them at the last minute?  Chef, you are wrong.  The ones available before 2021 are made out of air.  All of them.  They might look heavy, and the shipping costs might make you think it will be durable, but trust me they do not work. All of the donated umbrellas you have will become weapons that the wind will use to prevent you from outdoor seating success. 

Frozen Drink Machine - We can serve cocktails to-go!  Getting that machine is not going to get 100% of the guests to wear a mask, but it does allow us to say Frosé! 

Jersey Barriers - Google them. They are more expensive than you would think.  Getting the white ones shows that you are fashion forward.  The orange ones serve to show that you are following the rules. The cement ones are great if you have connections, or a food runner to dispose of. Seriously, ask your cousin. 

Covid Rapid Acceleration Plan - CRAP - just say “Oh Crap”, and keep a log of when, who and what time it was said. Repeat after me…. CRAP! For contact tracing, you will need to know who said CRAP with and without a mask and who was in a 6ft radius. 

Mask - If you go online you can make custom ones with a logo that do not fit and feel like you have a reusable diaper on your face.  The trendy logo shows that you are investing in PPE and therefore are a safer restaurant!

Gloves - Hire staff based on hand size. Anything but small gloves are in short supply.  Of course one CAN sanitize the glove by injecting it with hydroxychloroquine or organic UV rays.  The President says so*.
*This is false, don’t do this.

Covid Exposure Plan - Take the time to write out what will happen if you or your staff are exposed. Use 100 dollar bills to write on, as planning is the cheapest and easiest thing you will do, and why not spend more money. Light them on fire after for good measure.

Lease - When negotiating a lease, remember that you are only going to be able to serve guests for 7 months out of the year in New England. I find the best way to pay rent is to offer 100% of the gross profits.

MENU - If you want to be taken seriously, you will need to have a QR code for your menu, because a guests phone is way cleaner than the disposable paper you print on. If you have paper menus, they should be printed with ink made from hydroxychloroquine*, so the guest can eat them, and be cured.
*This is false, don’t do this.

Staffing - Hire a bouncer.  Someone menacing, and filthy and disturbed.  Have them approach all guests that refuse to wear a mask, and lick their cheeks.  It might be assault, so check with your local authorities. 
DRINKS - And last, but not least.  You CAN start using straws again.  Any kind you would like.  No one seems to give a shit about the turtles anymore.